In memory of a friend

 

Photo credit: John Teo Abello

Some people come into our life like the fragrance of a flower carried by the breeze. The smell is fleeting but it can linger into our memory long after it is gone. That is how my friend Lee has been to me. We met in law school although I can no longer remember the first time we saw each other. What I remember to be our first interaction was after our class in criminal law, we just went through another round of recitation which can be a ‘traumatic’ experience commonly experienced in law school, he gave me a comforting smile as if to say we are all in this together or we are all on the same page. The next day he borrowed my book on Statutory Construction to have some pages photocopied.

We don’t belong to the same group of friends, me and Lee. In fact, I only see him during classes because he was always in a rush. He would come in late and leave right after class was over. I never had the opportunity to get to know him but I remember that each time I did see him, he was always smiling, always in a good mood. On rare occasions when he came early, our conversations were all about school, that he might miss our midterm exams for an official trip. He often sent me text messages asking for class updates and the things he missed when he was absent. It was from him I learned that there are several available reviewers online. Before our final exam in criminal law, he brought a reviewer that is not accessible online and allowed me to photocopy it. Despite not seeing him much, his constant text messages and those intermittent interactions full of encouragements and ideas gave me a feeling of closeness to him, something that I don’t have with some of my other classmates.

One uneventful day while still nursing my cough I learned that Lee has gone into a coma. Aneurysm, they said. Only miracle can save his life, they said. I couldn’t believe what I just heard. I tried to recollect the last moment I saw him. It was after class, we just smiled at each other as we walked out of the classroom as I was talking to my other classmate. He sent me a few text messages in the days that ensued. I even felt guilty because at one point I thought why couldn’t he just come to class instead of asking me all the time how did it go. But I reminded myself that I don’t know what circumstances he was in at the moment so I should not make any judgment. Instead of waiting for him to ask, I then sent him a message that our grades in Statutory Construction and Legal Research were out but I didn’t get a reply… because in that instant he was already unconscious in the hospital bed.

There’s something about death or the possibility of dying that promptly brings us to the present moment, that enables us to reflect how well or badly we are spending the precious time we are given. I wondered how Lee spent the remaining hours of his conscious life. Did he enjoy the beautiful sunset the day before? Did he wake up to savor the warmth of sunrise, the cool morning breeze or that peculiar sound only heard in mornings? Did he take a few moments to relish his last meal, to savor every taste? Did he give his wife and six children warm hugs and sweet kisses? Did he tell them how much he loves them? It’s so sad to imagine that he spent his last day lazily, feeling sad about the past that he cannot undo or worrying about the future not knowing that such future isn’t ever going to come to him.

Thinking about it does change my perspective about tomorrows, as it always does with every death of a loved one. Unfortunately, such feeling of being in the present moment is so momentary it fades sooner than the mourning period is over. How easy it is for us to drift into our usual habits and forget to appreciate the mundane yet priceless moments before us.

Whatever you are doing right now, take a pause and allow yourself a few deep breathes, inhaling contentment and exhaling whatever negative feeling you are carrying at the moment. Whisper some words of gratitude to the universe, whatever it is that you are most thankful for. Give your sweetest smile to the first person you’ll bump into. And remember, we don’t know what tomorrow brings but we can change how we live today.

To my dear friend Lee, I may have missed my chances of telling you what an awesome person you are, I hope I made you feel that you matter somehow. When I visited you at the hospital, I learned from your siblings that aside from working as a full-time Literature teacher, you also teach during weekends at the Licensure Examination for Teachers Review Center. All these you did while attending a demanding law school. On top of these, I learned you were in the process of opening a restaurant and was looking for a chef. Oh, how I admire your hard work. You are someone who truly appreciates the time you were given and made the most of it. But most importantly, you brought up your kids so well, I’m sure someday you will be proud of them. Rest in peace, my friend. You are remembered fondly.

I gave my hubby a huge floral bouquet

Our life can get extremely monotonous at times it feels as though we are treading a long winding tunnel with no end in sight. Whenever I feel this way, I try to think of quirky things to do that can fire up my day.

It was a chilly spring afternoon. I woke up from a nap. My then boyfriend –now my hubby—was still asleep. It wasn’t an ordinary day sucked up by monotony. Rather, it was a happy time of being reunited. However, at that moment in time I felt a tinge of melancholy because I was going to leave him in a few days’ time and go back to work in Bangkok. I couldn’t even make it to his birthday which was only two days after my departure. While I sat by the window, I gazed at him breathing calmly in deep slumber then I turned my gaze outside where the grasses and trees were beginning to enliven springtime.

I wanted to make his birthday special even without my presence but not in a typical way. Suddenly, I was struck with an idea. He would never have guessed that on his birthday, a bouquet will be delivered at his doorstep. I immediately placed my order online before he woke up.

Andddddd the big day came! We were talking on Skype. The buzzer sounded. He bid adieu thinking it was his friend Mark who came to have lunch with him. But to his surprise, it was the delivery lady handing him the sweet smelling bouquet of orange daisies, roses and lilies. He came back online right away to share with me his confused reaction which amused me to bits. He couldn’t quite find the exact words to express how it made him feel. He was of course happy but he seemed to be feeling something else that he cannot put a name on.

I guessed it was because men are not used to receiving flowers. Most men spend their lifetime never getting one. Whilst women love receiving flowers, men – those very few who experienced being given one– may just don’t know how to actually react. It was an interesting experience for me as well to find out how men are when it comes to receiving presents normally given to women.

Someday, when my day becomes another draining monotony, I would do it again. I’ll hand him the bouquet and see how he’d react myself.

What about you? What bizarre things do you do when life is a standstill?

Calligraphy by Alma May Hilot Pilvera

In the last few months I spent interacting with people from different backgrounds, two dominant personalities stood out. It’s probably because I am at a point of identifying a new path so I paid particular attention to these traits.

The innovative
A friend who developed a farm in a small island said that when they began, it was impossible to farm in the area because the soil was too sandy. But that problem didn’t stop them from achieving their plan, instead they created the soil through composting. They then placed retaining walls to keep the soil from eroding.

Another friend works online, her only source of living. She found that coding skills could get one more jobs at higher rates. Unfortunately, there are no coding courses available around where she lives so she took free online coding courses instead and practiced by herself. She isn’t there yet but she definitely is a few steps closer to her goal. It’s still better than nothing at all.

My cousin is planning to get married in 2018. These days, calligraphy is a huge thing when it comes to wedding invitations and signage. Due to high demand, commissioning one to do the calligraphy can be extremely expensive. A set of invitation with watercolor graphic and calligraphy text can cost PhP300 (approx. 6 USD). So instead of paying a hefty amount, she decided to learn calligraphy herself! In fact, the photo above is her very first attempt and yet it looks pretty already! How cool is that? Way to go May.

The slacker
These are those who have future plans or knew what they want but are putting them off for a later time. I’m not saying this is always wrong. I understand there are certain things that should be set aside because there is a right time for them. However, in some circumstances, utilizing available time to prepare for the much-awaited perfect moment can be essential.

A friend went to grad school without any idea for his dissertation. He said he will figure it out when he gets there. When he started the first semester, he said he will figure it out the moment he takes the dissertation course. When he finally got down to writing his proposal, he realized that he needed ample amount of time to review existing literature and do preliminary readings on the issue he wanted to work on. He panicked and regretted not doing some readings during his free time before he started school.

Another friend wanted to be an entrepreneur. She was envious of her entrepreneur friends who seemed to have it all figured out and have full control of their time. Whenever she is not motivated in her job – which happens most of the time by the way — she would say things would have been different if she is an entrepreneur. Finally she resigned from her job, took a few months vacationing and then the much awaited “right time” presented itself. However, the painful truth dawned upon her that she doesn’t know what to do yet, which field she will venture into or what services she will offer. She spent additional months doing research which made her feel trapped into a web of challenges and uncertainties until finally when she is able to identify the business she wanted, her savings have been exhausted and she need to work again to save for the capital. Not only that, she needed some skills for the business so she has to spend the weekdays working and the weekends on short courses to gain those skills. Had she spent her time in the past preparing for the right moment, she would not have started from scratch.

Stories like these remind me of the cliché that the only thing that’s fair in this world is time because we all get the same amount of it. The only difference is how we use them. I’ve had my share of confronting challenges to achieve goals as well as periods of procrastination. What matters to me now is that I am becoming more aware of the things I want to invest my time into. I can never bring back time I’ve wasted but what’s important is to live the present moment and make the most out of it. This is something I want to remind myself every day.

Loss and Grief

I almost forgot how it feels to lose someone I love to death until my uncle’s untimely demise last December. It was all too sudden. He was still physically fit at 78 and was even able to drive around although he was probably already feeling sick but kept it hidden from the family. It would have been so typical of him, someone who doesn’t wanna waste time in a hospital bed. Whenever we had a family outing, he was notable for hurrying all of us to go home right after we finished eating even though some of us haven’t started swimming yet. He just wanted to be home.

The day before he died I was happy to see a video uploaded by my cousin on Facebook of him opening his eyes for the first time after several days. We all took it as a positive sign. I thought I would still be able to see him well and kicking with all his jokes. Past midnight I woke up and checked Facebook only to find he was gone. I would never see him with his toothless smile ever again.

My cousin suggested we make a slideshow of his photos. Being the one with the technical know-how, I was tasked to produce the video. I checked all the photo folders in my external drive, searched for his photos in all my cousins’ Facebook posts only to realise all of us don’t have much photos of him. We don’t have even a single proper solo photo to frame and place above his casket. We ended up framing a photo when he was younger, probably 40 years old. It was because he didn’t want to be pictured so all we have are photos of him sandwiched in a crowd, many of which he wasn’t even looking at the camera. Now I don’t dread people who post too much selfies that much anymore.

“Come stop your crying it will be alright,” I was unto the first few slides but my tears couldn’t stop falling. “You’ll be in my heart, from this day on now and forevermore…” I looked back on those opportunities I missed when I could have visited him. I realised we didn’t really have that much memories spent together but that doesn’t mean I loved him less. He was always in my heart, I was always fond of him, I just don’t know why I didn’t exert that much effort to spend more time with him. The last time I saw him he asked for a Christmas gift and I just answered him, “Yong it’s too early. Christmas is still far away”. Had I known that I won’t see him ever again, I would have given him all the cash I had at hand then.

You see, regrets are futile. It will never bring back missed chances. It will never bring back our loved ones. I remember about 5 years ago, I was struck with the thought that our elders are getting too old and that they may leave us soon. So I began to take lots of photos of them with my DSLR. The sad thing is my uncle, being himself, evaded my camera so much that I never found the right timing or angle. I thought there will be many more chances to capture him but I failed. And I also failed at making sure he felt how much I cared about him.

Since high school, I tried to live by the saying “never leave words unsaid and things undone” and “roses mean nothing at deathbed”. Somehow, I was good at executing these words to my friends maybe because I knew they are in my life only temporarily; our paths will cross and then they will move on with their career or marriage and I may not see them for years. On the contrary my family is always there no matter what happens, or so I thought.

Christmas 2015 was a very sad moment for our family but as the new year begin, my uncle left us with a valuable lesson and that is to always make the most of the time we have with our loved ones. We are a united family but my uncle’s death bound us even more. It’s still difficult to move past this grief but I will make sure that it doesn’t cripple me from appreciating those that are still alive.

Dinner after midnight

I sat on a chair across the band; gulped cold beer from a bottle while waiting for our food. My companion left for the loo. The band began to play. I can see her from the corner of my eye, walking slowly with a basket in her hand. “Would you like to buy some peanuts?” she asked me. I gave a lazy smile and said, “no, thanks”. She sat on the chair opposite us, carefully placed her basket half full of peanuts on the table as she watched the band. She looked like she was 60 or 70 years old but I can never conclude as I only based my assessment from her and my mother’s appearance. She looked much older than my mom who is now in her late 50s.

Our food arrived; we ordered two courses but they were too much for just two people moreso that I eat less. I asked the waitress to give us one extra plate, spoon and fork. I placed food on her plate and gave it to her with a glass of water before we began eating as I didn’t want her to think that we are giving her our leftover. She accepted and thanked me shyly.

I was enjoying my food when I unconsciously threw glance at her and noticed that she seemed hungry. It was 8PM, a bit late for dinner. She must have eaten early before leaving home to sell her peanuts, I thought. “Let’s buy some of her peanuts later”, my companion said after noticing that I was looking at her.

After she ate, she approached us with a smile full of gratitude. She handed us two packs of peanuts. “Allow me to thank you for your graciousness with these peanuts. You know, I normally eat after midnight usually around 1AM when all my peanuts are sold. I would run to the food stalls near the park and ask for a soup which they give for free after midnight. I would then go home to eat my supper of soup and rice.”

We didn’t know what to say. We were hit with a pang but couldn’t show it. Instead, we told her we will buy 10 packs and pay for all of them. She insisted on giving us two packs for free but we refused. We knew that two packs could already buy her a decent meal so we urged her to accept the money. She did, thanked us wholeheartedly and proceeded selling to other customers.

After dinner we dropped by at the apartment, took six pancakes leftover from breakfast and brought it to four students with the peanuts. People say peanuts are food for the brain so the old woman’s peanuts were perfect for the students who were preparing for their exams until after midnight.

My university is Hogwarts!

Being a Harry Potter fanatic, the only thing I had high expectations from my move to Sydney is the Great Hall of the University of Sydney which according to rumors looks very much like the Great Hall of Hogwarts. Today my long wait was finally realised because our International Students Welcome was held at USyd’s Great Hall.

I was awe-struck. The Great Hall lived up my expectations, even far exceeded it. If only I brought my DSLR, I would have been able to capture its details. On its ceiling’s vault stood angels in a row holding something like a book. There were also students who wore a uniform that resembles that of Slytherin! Actually, let these photos speak for itself, although they won’t give justice to USyd’s beautiful architecture.

Structural beauty aside, the main highlight of my day was the speech from Professor Tyrone Carlin, Deputy Vice Chancellor (Registrar). He started by allowing us a moment to digest the fact that despite thousands of people who want to be in graduate school, we in that hall are lucky enough to get into the University of Sydney, one of the world’s best universities and ranked 37th in the 2013 QS World University Rankings.

He emphasised the importance of balance between studies and other aspects of life. Whilst other teachers would push students to study harder, he encouraged us go out to develop friendships and participate in activities be it in school or outside. He shared his own experience of going through Law School but getting out of it with no friends which was perhaps his greatest regret as a student.

His speech reminded me of Omar and Marc who were both undertaking their master’s degree on water resources engineering at the Katholieke Universiteit, the leading university in Belgium. While serious about their studies, they also did a lot of fun activities such as playing badminton, attending parties, going out with friends, cooking and spending long dinners over good conversations. It will not be a surprise if people would think they did more fun than study. But guess what? They both graduated cum laude (with honor)!

Basically, to survive grad school, one needs to play!

New life down under

It was only when I was already on the plane to Sydney that it started to sink in that I am moving here. Having gone through many ups and downs, I did not expect much of what my life will be like here.

I left home on Friday at 6:30 and arrived in my new home in Sydney Saturday at 13:15. It was a tiresome trip from 30 degrees to 15 degrees. My body felt frozen but I still managed to grab groceries. I was ecstatic to find out that my area has a lot of Thai restaurants – I’ve passed by at least 6 of them – as well as Thai massage. The area is actually very Asian as most restaurants are either Thai, Chinese, Korean, Japanese or Vietnamese. But because I just came from Bangkok and my roommate Lavina from Taipei, we opted for Japanese food. I fell asleep at 20:30 still holding my phone.

I woke up Sunday feeling energised. Since Lavina has only a week in Sydney before moving to Macquarie University, we decided to be tourists for a day. We were lucky the weather was pleasant, sunny and not too cold. And on top of that, my place is close to the Sydney Harbour, just 10 minutes through a free bus! How cool is that?!

Our first stop was at The Rocks along Sydney Harbour. It is known as the land of the Gadigal people and the first place of European settlement in Australia. During weekends there are stalls all over the streets selling various products so it is fun to walk around. There were also musicians playing soothing songs and instrumental. From there you can get a good view of the Opera House and Harbour Bridge.

We had lunch at Phillip’s Foote, a hidden gem within busy The Rocks established in 1975. The restaurant is a bit hidden behind a pub, we would not have found it had Lavina not seen the ad on steak at $40 for two to commemorate their 40 years anniversary. We loved discovering this restaurant. With trees and plants around, you can’t ask for a better ambiance after a long day of walking. And their steak was just delicious. You have to grill it yourself which was an added fun.

After lunch we went to the Opera House and walked to the Royal Botanic Garden. This park is huge; a perfect place to chill out when readings and essays will begin to drown me. Across the park is the State Library of NSW. When I saw the library, my heart skipped a beat. I can’t believe I live close to everything that nurtures my soul!

From SLNSW we walked to St. Mary’s Cathedral the prettiest church I’ve been to next to Westminster Abbey in London. It was amusing though because just outside the cathedral there was an ice skating rink which I bet was only for the weekend.

Across St. Mary’s Cathedral is Hyde Park, another good place to relax. From there we walked back, dropped by the dirty market to grab fruits and headed home.

I had a dynamic life in Bangkok but moving to Sydney was a huge change, I still can’t help but feel uneasy. All I did in the plane when fear started to creep in was meditate. I told myself to live in the moment and deal with whatever challenges that will come with calmness and kindness. I let my expectations low so that I will be less disappointed. And as it turned out, the universe seemed to be conspiring to grant more than what I could hope for a home away from home including housemates that I am now so fond of. I can only wish Lavina will stay longer coz other than she is the sweetest, she also brings the vibe of positive change, new beginnings and adventures. But short was our time together I am grateful we found each other; two kick-ass women plunging into an ocean of risks and possibilities.

In the day when our life comes to the point of change

This week has been extremely draining. The worse is it’s not because I am busy with work but because I am in the middle of a huge change. I have exactly 2 weeks left in the office and in Bangkok. After which I will spend 2 weeks on vacation back home in the Philippines before flying to Australia to start graduate school.

Today I could not work. I am sick, actually. My brain cannot – do not want to — function. I am in a mixed emotion between separation anxiety and metathesiophobia which is ironic because people know me as a risk-taker and one who dreads routine.

A friend posted a video of my favorite Thai song on Facebook (the only Thai song I know, actually). I have been listening to this song for more than 2 years. I listen to it before I sleep. I listen to it in the taxi on my way to the airport, on the plane, and in my hotel room. I listen to it in my daily train ride if I am not reading a book. I listen to it at ungodly hours and unearthly places. It’s one of the only 12 songs I downloaded in my iPhone.

I first heard of it at the farewell dinner of one of the most important and instrumental persons in my life. How time flies. Now that person is back in Thailand and I am the one leaving. We will have dinner on Friday, probably our last. Whether our paths will cross again in the future, only God knows.

Did I say I have been listening to this song for more than 2 years? Then I must add that in those times I did not bother searching for its English translation. I have no idea why. But today, I did. Listen to the song below with both Thai and English subtitle.

And indeed, songs become more powerful when they speak to us and hit us to the core. This song did just that.

3AM meetup and life on the edge

I have this impulsive habit my friends call “Cambodia syndrome”. It was during my annual leave in June 2014 that I woke up at 9AM and declared I will go to Cambodia. All I did was check if there is a train scheduled to Aranyaprathet, a province in eastern Thailand that borders with Cambodia, then packed my bag and left. I didn’t know yet how to actually reach Siem Reap, where to stay or what exactly I should anticipate from the trip. I just wanted random things to happen without me making so much fuss planning about it. My close friends who know me well are aware how such a risk-taker I am. And I have lived life this way even before that trip to Cambodia.

View of my long train ride from Bangkok to Aranyaprathet

It was summer. I just finished my first year at uni. I went to my cousin’s birthday party. She told me about her school and how it looked like one in the telenovela, Meteor Garden, with its natural beauty and a beach at the lower campus. I went home, woke my mom from her nap and told her I will transfer to my cousin’s school. This is where I’m good at, running away.

After graduation, I went to apply for a job. I did not get in. The interviewer told me I have a different potential and may pose risks to the company (private). He said, “I don’t think you belong here. We invest money training our staff but you don’t seem to be the kind who would stay longer.” So much about being honest on one’s passion.

I went home feeling bad about the result. Although it may not have been because I am not good enough, still I took it against myself. I was on a hammock feeling bitter when suddenly I thought about coming to Thailand. I chose Thailand because 1) I did not need a visa 2) It is geographically well-positioned in the region 3) I have this beautiful image of Thailand in my head – glistening temples, monks meditating – and it has a vibrant, friendly society. In less than a week I flew to Thailand. I told myself I will stay for just one year, work on whatever decent job I can get, explore the country, mend my chaotic and confused heart, get a headspace and decide which direction I want to take, then leave.

Six years after, I found myself having trouble getting around the fact that I am leaving Thailand in 8 weeks from now. This country that cradled me, the country now I call home, how can I be leaving it already?

I’m moving to Australia for grad school at the University of Sydney, another impulse of mine. With the little time I have left, I juggled between finishing work, putting my life of 6 years into boxes, making arrangements in Sydney and meeting friends.

Last Sunday, I told my friend Art that I’m leaving and it would be nice to see him. This man being a troll told me we can meet 3AM at Burger King (open 24 hrs). Perhaps he didn’t know who he was talking with. Of course I agreed and he suffered from his own trap! It was an amusing experience though, meeting at 3AM! Like, who would do that? Although what started as amusing ended up to be embarrassing for me, having to meet his mom at his house who must have been thinking what kind of a woman would allow a meetup at a wee hour.

I left his home at 6AM and walked to Benchasiri Park. I guess about an hour walk can only get you numb for a minute. And then a pang… wrench.

It was when it started to sink in that I was leaving, for real. I’ve been living life on the edge; always going beyond my comfort zone. Thailand has become a comfort zone and this was probably why I decided it’s time to leave, among other reasons. But why has it become this hard?

I guess it’s because my spontaneity has led me here, a country where I had a life all by myself away from the shield of my family; a country where I battled with my own demons; a country that opened my eyes to a vast horizon; a country that showed me the beauty of imperfections, the possibility of new beginnings. It’s the country where I met the person who makes saying goodbye the hardest.

Want to be spontaneous? For once, try to let go of fears and just go somewhere for some adventures. All you have to do is identify certain places or countries you want to visit, check and book cheap accommodations HERE then off you go. Oh of course, once you find cheap places to stay you also have to book your flights if you need to fly. Enjoy the uncertainty!

Smile with your eyes

I’ve always considered New Year as a symbol of hope and renewal. I welcomed 2015 with positive anticipation. And for the first time in six years, I get to spend it with my family. Unfortunately, as much as I wanted it to be my “kick-ass awesome year” ever, some things are just out of my hands. My yet to be resolved past mingled with dramatic changes in both my present and future professional and personal life.

If there is one word that can epitomise my life in the first quarter of 2015, it will be ESTUARY.

Amidst all these lies my resolve to empower myself.

Being a photography enthusiast — as you may have noticed from most of my Facebook and Instagram posts– I wanted this transitional stage in my life captured. This became more timely with my birthday turning me to the last year of my twenties.

As fate would have it, I bumped into the blog of Mia and saw her “Love you now, love you more after” photoshoot concept. Reading about this session felt like reading my thoughts on screen. She nailed what I had in mind.

“Smile with your eyes,” Mia asked me several times. It was my first professional photoshoot so I would have felt like a star in front of her lens. But no, all I had were unwelcomed thoughts flooding on me. I felt I was not okay yet. I didn’t want to pretend to be smiling sweetly but felt like in an emotional tornado inside – yep, going to Sydney in less than 3 months from now creeps me out like anything too. Change is always scary, huh! – The worst deception is that of our own self, indeed.

I was once asked what it is to be an empowered woman. My response was simple: an empowered woman is one who is able to make informed decisions for herself and is able to maximise her full potential.

And then it hit me.

An empowered woman is one who is able to celebrate her strength and vulnerability; embrace her brokenness and nurture her inner power; forgive her past and high five the future as she can’t be truly bothered by it yet because being in the present moment is paramount. Amidst any storm she will carry on. She will choose selfless love over possession and integrity over personal gains. She will not be crippled by discrimination, abandonment nor injustice. She will rise, speak and act. She will respect herself.

She will smile with her eyes.

Cheers to womanhood! And this may just be a kick-ass awesome year after all!

P.S. If you are in Bangkok and up for a photoshoot for yourself or your family, then Mia (photographer) and Erika (make-up artist) is the team for you. What makes them different from those in the studio is the personal touch. They make sure you are comfortable and they allow you to take your time. And they are sooo fun to be with too!

One step forward, two steps backward

Me in Pokhara, Nepal (January 2013)

I don’t understand people who complain about something without doing anything about it – not that I am an exemption, of course.

There was this person who kept ranting about how miserable his life is and that his life would have been this or that had the situation been this or that. Clearly, he has an idea of what “better life” looks like yet remains reluctant to take significant steps because his thoughts were fixated on the barriers rather than on creating opportunities.

Unfortunately, most of us don’t know the value of TIME. A Japanese colleague once said, “the only thing that is fair in this world is TIME; we all get the same amount.” This statement struck me because I myself struggle with making the most of my time. You know, like right now at 1:30AM, I am still wide awake instead of hitting the sack.

These days, the world seems to have fallen short of optimistic people. There is always something to complain about. And most often, nothing changes because we are scared to stretch our boundaries a little bit or step out of our comfort zones. The moment we set foot out of that comfort line, fear of uncertainties would penetrate every corner of our heart forcing us to sprint back. The sad thing is that, we don’t realize how often we do this and how much time we have wasted.

As the cliché says, we take one step forward and two steps backward. And we still wonder why we aren’t going anywhere.

Expectations are futile

It hurts when our expectations go in vain. But when the table is turned around and we are the ones being subjected to a certain degree of expectation we cannot meet, it hurts just the same.

Indeed, every individual is unique and different. Some things may just be okay for us and yet others may see them as wrong. We can never fully put ourselves into another person’s shoes. We can never fully feel what the other person is feeling nor see things exactly as they see them.

It is futile to suffer because we cannot wholly understand someone the same way as it is futile to agonize over not being completely understood.

In the end, it is really just a matter of letting go… letting go of expectations including the expectation to be understood.

A motivation that came with a cake

One of my favorite moments is having a cup of coffee or tea with a good book or over a good conversation.

This afternoon the sun was blazing like fire so I had a cold banana milk instead in a cute vintage-style café with my Irish friend. We talked about random things as well as how uncertainty could cripple some of our dreams.

A lot of people got stuck in their comfort zones because going to another country or getting a different job creates a jumbled image of the future. While she savored the adventure and lessons that came with living for a year in Thailand, her friend remained in Ireland doing the same partime job which will lead her to who knows where.

Staying in the same place or doing the same thing doesn’t give us certainty of the future. If one is happy with where s/he is and what s/he does, surely it is more than right to stay but being unhappy is a different case; something needs to change.

Stories about people losing their job or business in one blink isn’t something new. And while those people felt their future was secured, circumstances led them to a quandary. If we haven’t figured it out yet, at some point we should open our minds to the universal fact that nothing is certain in the future.

Life is fleeting to spend it doing the things that aren’t making us happy or not enabling us reach our full potential just because we are scared of change. As I looked back on my past decisions, I was happy to share with her that back then I just did what I wanted to do – came to Thailand without knowing what is in store for me – and that leap of faith brought me experiences I could have only dreamt of had I chosen to stay. This saying that came with our green tea cake motivated me once again to take risks and face life’s uncertainties head on.

Eulogy for an alive me

The O-C in me is striking again. Good thing it struck at the right time when I am on a 2-week vacation I call ‘sanity leave’ that includes body and mind detox. It is also my attempt at slowing down my pace and take some quiet moments to reflect and reorganize my life. While writing this, I can hear the chirping birds. From the glass window I can see a grass-covered barren land, a concrete fence and behind it lies a vast rice field. Two hours from now, I will see the huge blazing golden sunset without moving an inch. I remember Cecil Frances Alexander’s All Things Bright and Beautiful.

Back to my being O-C, part of my ‘life detox’ is the literal de-cluttering of my physical surrounding and online existence — id est inbox clean up. It is both an amusing and gruesome process, you know what I mean. But to my surprise, I found an email from a very dear friend sent for my birthday. I am the self-proclaimed ambassadress of the cliché “Never leave words and unsaid and things undone” so I always make it a point to tell people how much I appreciate them. So, imagine getting one for myself! Reminds me of the ‘living funeral’ concept from the book Tuesdays with Morrie.

While her compliments rub my ego, it is her words of wisdom that struck me most. Thank you so much Ate Bing!

Who is Mary Antonette Abello?

“Tonet/Tonyang as most of her friends call her is my Bunso’s (younger sister) close friend from college years. Honestly, I don’t know her personally. I mean I just get acquainted with her through my sister, met her along Visca, or at home as they often visit my sis. I did not really had a serious “get to know each” other bonding time with her, just some casual “Hi Ate, Hi Tonet” moments. But then she treated me like her elder sister (well most of them from their barkada). She’s someone whom I can literally consider as a “small but terrible person”. When I say terrible, not the negative definition but rather the “just simply amazing”. A far-fetched writer whom she compelled heavy emotions beyond her thoughts and ideas. Her works inspire awe the imagination of each and every line she wrote. And I can see a good future from her writing skill. A gifted child, God-fearing, a responsible daughter, friend/girlfriend, and a dear sister to all she cared. She had this feel for those who are in need, thus her heart goes for social and developmental works. I really admire her from where and how she become right now. She may be weak in some point but her being independent makes me think of how brave she is.

Now, in your 25th birthday Tonet, I would like to take this opportunity to thank you very much for always lending me your ears…I know sometimes you might be fed up with me, but still you never left me and always been there whenever I needed the most. It means a lot to me. Your are reaching a quarter of your life, you’ve got a long way and I am so proud of you. Always remember that life is not easy but it is beautiful despite its imperfections. Meeting you makes it even more beautiful. Such an extraordinary care you had for me and I really appreciate it. I am not good in words really, but OUR FATHER knew how blessed and thankful I am to have a sister in you. You are a big part of my journey. I know you know that. I love you Tonet. Just keep up what you have, always believe in yourself and continue to do your passion. Be thankful for you are truly blessed. When in down, don’t let that feeling push you even down to the bottom, instead, think of how blessed you are. There is always a way to make yourself happy and satisfied…HAPPINESS is a choice. If you think you’re not appreciated or you’ve not done your best, you’re wrong, because here I am who always admire you and you never knew how much you’d helped me. Just continue to be a blessing to others and bring SMILE to everyone you encounter. Be Blessed always. Happy Happy birthday! Another year is blessed for you to enjoy life. Take care.”

Joy of giving

When was the last time you experienced immense joy from making other people happy?
The last five years, I celebrated Christmas in Bangkok. I still remember spending my first Christmas away from home by working because Thailand does not consider it a holiday. My colleague was kind enough to understand that I must have been missing home so she played Christmas songs from her old portable radio. It just made me burst to tears.

Last December, I decided to go home for the holidays. But I must have been away for way too long that I started to ask myself, how does Christmas feel? Holding my warm cup of coffee and listening to the sound of the wind chimes, I reminisced my childhood Christmas memories; the surprise upon waking up to see bundles of gifts which my mother convincingly said were from Santa Clause; the fun-filled games I played with my cousins; the apples and candies hanged on the Christmas tree; that’s how Christmas was like for a child that was me.

Then my thoughts went to the thousands of children who may not have had the chance to open a gift during Christmas; children who were deprived of the experiences I was blessed with. Then and there it hit me, I knew what I needed to do for Christmas.

 

I immediately informed my Hilot family about my plan of organizing a kid’s party for Christmas. Blessed with a loving and generous family, my siblings and cousins from across the world responded pledging their support and financial assistance. On Christmas day, we gathered about fifty kids in the chapel. Not all these kids are less privileged but regardless of what they have or don’t have, they deserve to have a childhood where they can play together and enjoy each other’s company.

And of course Santa Clause is part of the celebration so our cousins dressed up as Santa and went around distributing sweets.

We also gave away two dozens of slippers to kids who need them most. The following day, one of the kid’s mom told us that his son kept his new slippers near the altar because he was scared that it will be stolen outside or the dog will play with it. Awwwwww (sniffs)

We organized various games. We also let some kids showcase their talents so that they will grow up confident. It is important for children to feel that their abilities are recognized. I was thrilled when my cousin’s daughter who I thought was a shy girl turned out to be proactive, she even sang Elsa’s Let It Go! Before we ended our little party, the kids gathered to sing “Thank You, Ang Babait Ninyo”.

We managed to give each of the kids a gift. The sight of their happy faces is just priceless. It made me feel guilty that I spend so much on expensive things I don’t really need when happiness is as simple as making other’s happy.
In the evening, I celebrated Christmas with my family. I have so much to be thankful for in life but what I am most thankful for is to have a family who showered me with so much love; a family who taught me that what matters is not money but charity; a family who values truth and fairness over fame and glory.

P.S the chapel is in the process of renovation. Donations will be most welcomed

If I had to live my life over

I read this from my friend Ate Mary‘s Facebook note and thought it’s worth sharing in my blog so others will be inspired too! Happy Tuesday!

If I had to live my life over by Erma Bombeck
I would have talked less and listened more.

I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained and the sofa faded.

I would have eaten the popcorn in the “good” living room and worried much less about the dirt when someone wanted to light a fire in the fireplace.

I would have taken the time to listen to my grandfather rambling about his youth.

I would never have insisted the car windows be rolled up on a summer day because my hair had just been teased and sprayed.

I would have burned the pink candle sculped like a rose before it melted in storage.

I would have sat on the lawn with my children and not worried about grass stains.

I would have cried and laughed less while watching television, and more while watching life.

I would have gone to bed when I was sick, instead of pretending the earth would go into a holding pattern if I weren’t there for the day.

I would never have bought anything just because it was practical, wouldn’t show soil or was guaranteed to last a lifetime.

There would have been more “I love you’s” and more “I’m sorry’s”…

but mostly, given another shot at life,

I would seize every minute … look at it and really see it … and never give it back.”-

Missing someone

Sometimes, traveling and other forms of entertainment can never fill an emptiness and all that’s left to do is stare at the horizon hoping that the wings of time will take us to a road that crosses theirs; thinking that they’re never really gone as long as we keep them in our hearts.