I only have three semesters left in law school (I’d have graduated this sem if I didn’t stop) so when I opted to be a stay-at-home mom, a lot of people could not understand our decision. I think the confusion stem from the wrong notions about childcare. Many people view childcare only within the context of physical care. As long as the baby is fed, cleaned, put to sleep, entertained, given physical and material needs, everything is well and good. BUT childcare, and parenting, are so much more than this.
In our family, we follow gentle, respectful parenting approaches and the Montessori principles/methods, among others. NOT saying this is the best parenting approach. Just saying this is what we want for our child and our family. And being hands-on in raising our child enabled me and my husband to ensure that these are applied to our son.
Use of Language
According to studies, we shouldn’t over praise nor give shallow praises (e.g. very good) to children since they may develop the wrong notion that they are already good enough, thus hampering the development of a “growth mindset”. Just saying “very good” doesn’t really tell them what they did well that that merits such praise so there’s no point for reflection nor lesson that they can apply in future endeavours. It’s too shallow compared to saying “you did it because you didn’t give up and you strategised and used a platform to help you climb”.
With unnecessary praises, children may also learn to work for applause instead of appreciating, enjoying and learning from the process. As adults we know how detrimental “working to please” could be because, well, it’s a futile and empty cause.
We don’t go around ordering our child. We make sure he knows he has options and that his choices matter and are respected. “Would you like to give mommy a kiss? No? Okay, I respect that. Maybe next time when you feel like it.” This will teach him that consent is crucial esp. when it comes to his body. “Would you like to help mommy do this or that?”
We don’t baby talk. We talk to our child the same way we talk to adults for the sole purpose that we want him to feel respected and treated as an equal so he’d gain confidence in himself. But in retrospect, I think it has helped him with language development because at 1.5 years old he can already say a lot of words, sometimes surprising us.
Studies reveal that saying yes or using positive language creates a positive effect on a child’s brain (read The Yes Brain Child book). So instead of saying “don’t eat that stone”, we say “It seems you want to eat, let’s go eat banana!”
Freedom of Movement
We make sure he’s given freedom of movement even if it’s so exhausting for us to do. Movement is crucial for a child’s overall physical, mental and emotional development. It’s part of their growing up process for optimum development, which is also why we didn’t use a crib or anything that can constrain him.
We also don’t help him right away so he will develop problem-solving skills but more importantly so he will fully own his achievements and gain self confidence. Many parents would tend to do everything for their child. A child crawls to a toy, the parent will pick up and give it to the child. And when they grow up we wonder why they can’t think on their feet or do things on their own.
Follow the Child
We follow our child’s interests as long as he won’t get hurt or hurt others or harm the environment, which is also why he is free to play with mud because it will strengthen his immune system and give him lots of sensory experiences which are both important.
We don’t impose our interests on our child. We want him to feel his authentic self is accepted, his interests respected. We set up invitation to play but whether he will play or not or how he’ll use the material is all up to him.
We don’t force anything on him including food. We follow baby-led weaning so he’s been eating and drinking from a breakable glass by himself since he was 7 months old. We decide on the time and food to serve. He decides what to eat or how much.
We didn’t let him listen to ABC or Number songs because really, he has zero interest to learn those right now. All he wants is move and move and play with mud! He will learn the alphabet or count when he is ready, at age 7 maybe? Who knows.
Emotional Regulation
We help him learn to deal with his feelings by letting him cry. We don’t say “stop crying or boys don’t cry”. We say, “you can cry as long as you want, mommy is here it is safe to cry. You can stop when you are ready”. Also, we help him process his feelings and let him know his feelings are valid by giving it a name. “You look sad. You might be angry. It seems you are frustrated, I understand, it’s really frustrating when you have to sit on your car seat for a long time but it’s what’s safe for you.”
Whilst we label feelings to help process them, we are careful not to label him as a person both in positive and negative terms. We don’t tell him you are so smart, or you are naughty, or you are this or that. We are all growing and changing so giving ourselves certain labels hamper that or unnecessarily limits our strengths and capacities. Saying you’re so smart might make a child overconfident and averse to change or feedback which is a negative consequence.
Dealing with Power Struggles
Toddlers are naturally “inclined” (not stubborn) because that’s part of their development. But we also have to set limits to keep him safe. We make sure we tell him why he can’t do this or go there. He may not be able to speak well but he will understand or learn to understand. It’s important for them to know why they are not allowed to do certain things because if they won’t understand why, they’ll just keep doing them anyway.
Dealing with Mistakes/Messes
We let him witness the consequences of his actions or let him take accountability. He spilled water, we let him clean it up. But we never force him. If he won’t clean up, we model by doing it ourselves. He will eventually learn, it’s a process and we are not in a hurry.
Lots of Nature Time
We want to make sure he gets as much nature time as possible. Many nannies are scared to bring kids outdoors for fear that a child might get injured because children are naturally inclined to move and engage in risky play outside. Some are just really lazy to follow the child around.
Also, I want a lot of skin-to-skin even now that he is bigger. Studies show the many benefits of skin-to-skin especially for newborns. I also want to exclusively breastfeed him until he is ready to wean, he will decide on that. And being together all the time is convenient when you are breastfeeding.
I read a lot on parenting and child development since 5 years before I got married and even so, I still find myself struggling to overcome my old conditioning and the effects of how I was brought up and treated not only by my parents but all the adults around me. It takes time to incorporate what I learned from books into our daily life, which is why I was concerned if a nanny won’t be able to apply these things even if I’d tell them so. And so I opted to do it myself by staying home and raising our son myself.
Although, I won’t discount the role of my husband who is equally hands-on with our child. He would look after our child from the moment he wakes up so I can enjoy slow breakfast or do some work. Then the moment he comes home from work he’d look after our child so I can also work until our child sleeps so my husband only gets to rest when our child is asleep or we both work after he sleeps.
I’ve shared a lot and these aren’t even all that we do with our child or all that I’ve read. I just wrote what came to mind. But in reality, there’s so much more that we do to make sure our child grows up with a healthy psyche and develop the innate capacity to do things on his own. According to Maria Montessori, children have absorbent minds. They soak up everything in their environment, the language, the culture, the attitudes and personalities of the adults around them and all these factors will affect the formation of his own personality and the values he will live by. That’s why we want to be a great part of his environment during these formative years by being there to model to him attitudes we want him to emulate.
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