Why I left law school to be a stay-at-home mom

I only have three semesters left in law school (I’d have graduated this sem if I didn’t stop) so when I opted to be a stay-at-home mom, a lot of people could not understand our decision. I think the confusion stem from the wrong notions about childcare. Many people view childcare only within the context of physical care. As long as the baby is fed, cleaned, put to sleep, entertained, given physical and material needs, everything is well and good. BUT childcare, and parenting, are so much more than this.

In our family, we follow gentle, respectful parenting approaches and the Montessori principles/methods, among others. NOT saying this is the best parenting approach. Just saying this is what we want for our child and our family. And being hands-on in raising our child enabled me and my husband to ensure that these are applied to our son.

Use of Language

According to studies, we shouldn’t over praise nor give shallow praises (e.g. very good) to children since they may develop the wrong notion that they are already good enough, thus hampering the development of a “growth mindset”. Just saying “very good” doesn’t really tell them what they did well that that merits such praise so there’s no point for reflection nor lesson that they can apply in future endeavours. It’s too shallow compared to saying “you did it because you didn’t give up and you strategised and used a platform to help you climb”.

With unnecessary praises, children may also learn to work for applause instead of appreciating, enjoying and learning from the process. As adults we know how detrimental “working to please” could be because, well, it’s a futile and empty cause.

We don’t go around ordering our child. We make sure he knows he has options and that his choices matter and are respected.  “Would you like to give mommy a kiss? No? Okay, I respect that. Maybe next time when you feel like it.” This will teach him that consent is crucial esp. when it comes to his body. “Would you like to help mommy do this or that?”

We don’t baby talk. We talk to our child the same way we talk to adults for the sole purpose that we want him to feel respected and treated as an equal so he’d gain confidence in himself. But in retrospect, I think it has helped him with language development because at 1.5 years old he can already say a lot of words, sometimes surprising us.

Studies reveal that saying yes or using positive language creates a positive effect on a child’s brain (read The Yes Brain Child book). So instead of saying “don’t eat that stone”, we say “It seems you want to eat, let’s go eat banana!”

Freedom of Movement

We make sure he’s given freedom of movement even if it’s so exhausting for us to do. Movement is crucial for a child’s overall physical, mental and emotional development. It’s part of their growing up process for optimum development, which is also why we didn’t use a crib or anything that can constrain him.

We also don’t help him right away so he will develop problem-solving skills but more importantly so he will fully own his achievements and gain self confidence. Many parents would tend to do everything for their child. A child crawls to a toy, the parent will pick up and give it to the child. And when they grow up we wonder why they can’t think on their feet or do things on their own.

Follow the Child

We follow our child’s interests as long as he won’t get hurt or hurt others or harm the environment, which is also why he is free to play with mud because it will strengthen his immune system and give him lots of sensory experiences which are both important.

We don’t impose our interests on our child. We want him to feel his authentic self is accepted, his interests respected. We set up invitation to play but whether he will play or not or how he’ll use the material is all up to him.

We don’t force anything on him including food. We follow baby-led weaning so he’s been eating and drinking from a breakable glass by himself since he was 7 months old. We decide on the time and food to serve. He decides what to eat or how much.

We didn’t let him listen to ABC or Number songs because really, he has zero interest to learn those right now. All he wants is move and move and play with mud! He will learn the alphabet or count when he is ready, at age 7 maybe? Who knows.

Emotional Regulation

We help him learn to deal with his feelings by letting him cry. We don’t say “stop crying or boys don’t cry”. We say, “you can cry as long as you want, mommy is here it is safe to cry. You can stop when you are ready”. Also, we help him process his feelings and let him know his feelings are valid by giving it a name. “You look sad. You might be angry. It seems you are frustrated, I understand, it’s really frustrating when you have to sit on your car seat for a long time but it’s what’s safe for you.”

Whilst we label feelings to help process them, we are careful not to label him as a person both in positive and negative terms. We don’t tell him you are so smart, or you are naughty, or you are this or that. We are all growing and changing so giving ourselves certain labels hamper that or unnecessarily limits our strengths and capacities. Saying you’re so smart might make a child overconfident and averse to change or feedback which is a negative consequence.

Dealing with Power Struggles

Toddlers are naturally “inclined” (not stubborn) because that’s part of their development. But we also have to set limits to keep him safe. We make sure we tell him why he can’t do this or go there. He may not be able to speak well but he will understand or learn to understand. It’s important for them to know why they are not allowed to do certain things because if they won’t understand why, they’ll just keep doing them anyway.

Dealing with Mistakes/Messes

We let him witness the consequences of his actions or let him take accountability. He spilled water, we let him clean it up. But we never force him. If he won’t clean up, we model by doing it ourselves. He will eventually learn, it’s a process and we are not in a hurry.

Lots of Nature Time

We want to make sure he gets as much nature time as possible. Many nannies are scared to bring kids outdoors for fear that a child might get injured because children are naturally inclined to move and engage in risky play outside. Some are just really lazy to follow the child around.

Also, I want a lot of skin-to-skin even now that he is bigger. Studies show the many benefits of skin-to-skin especially for newborns. I also want to exclusively breastfeed him until he is ready to wean, he will decide on that. And being together all the time is convenient when you are breastfeeding.

I read a lot on parenting and child development since 5 years before I got married and even so, I still find myself struggling to overcome my old conditioning and the effects of how I was brought up and treated not only by my parents but all the adults around me. It takes time to incorporate what I learned from books into our daily life, which is why I was concerned if a nanny won’t be able to apply these things even if I’d tell them so. And so I opted to do it myself by staying home and raising our son myself.

Although, I won’t discount the role of my husband who is equally hands-on with our child. He would look after our child from the moment he wakes up so I can enjoy slow breakfast or do some work. Then the moment he comes home from work he’d look after our child so I can also work until our child sleeps so my husband only gets to rest when our child is asleep or we both work after he sleeps.

I’ve shared a lot and these aren’t even all that we do with our child or all that I’ve read. I just wrote what came to mind. But in reality, there’s so much more that we do to make sure our child grows up with a healthy psyche and develop the innate capacity to do things on his own. According to Maria Montessori, children have absorbent minds. They soak up everything in their environment, the language, the culture, the attitudes and personalities of the adults around them and all these factors will affect the formation of his own personality and the values he will live by. That’s why we want to be a great part of his environment during these formative years by being there to model to him attitudes we want him to emulate.

Our child's "forest picnic" birthday celebration

This year, we were forced to stay home by the pandemic. Shaking hands and hugging are discouraged. Social distancing or rather physical distancing is encouraged. Gatherings are prohibited. And so, many of us are left celebrating at the confines of our home and not able to invite family and friends over.

Even without the pandemic though, me and my husband already knew how we will celebrate our child’s first birthday. We wanted it to be simple with just a few kids around. We wanted for him a simple, small, specifically tailored for children event where they can truly have fun while being mindful of their need for rest.

A “forest” picnic at our backyard with the sound of the chirping birds was the bes t option since we cannot yet go to the beach. We planned for an event where:

- There are no balloons because we are trying to raise an environment-conscious child. We want to normalize not having balloons in our celebrations. Even our wedding did not include balloons. Whilst we cannot fully get rid of plastics in our life, we are trying to remove the non-essential plastics especially those that can only be used once and cannot be recycled.

- We don’t buy materials that can only be used once such as tarpaulins. The ONE banner was passed on to us by a friend whose son used it for his first birthday. We were more than happy to use it for our mini-tent set up. Also, in the future if we ever buy party decorations, we will either use it on several occasions or pass them on to others to maximize its use and minimize purchases of new ones.

- The food table is low enough so that every child regardless of age can independently access the food and choose what they like without needing help from an adult. I used recycled boxes covered with old curtains as our food table because we don’t have tables low enough for the kids. The empty boxes worked well, though unfortunately I wasn’t able to take a photo of the set up.

- Various toys and books for all ages are provided so every child can freely choose what to play with or read.

- An area is available for them to lay down or rest whenever they feel tired.

- They can help in some of the preparations while exercising their creativity and having fun. I let them help in arranging the flowers that will be placed on the food table.

- The food includes healthy options presented in an appealing way. In fact, the party was so simple we only served fried chicken, pancit, cake, and fruit barbeque.

I baked our child’s sugar-free birthday cake so he can actually eat it as much as he likes. During this pandemic, I baked a lot as was everybody else I think. At first, I thought of ordering a fancy cake from an established baker but a cake can be extremely expensive, which is understandable because it takes so much time and effort to make one. I wasn’t keen on spending that much money for his birthday cake and also, we only really need a simple cake that we all can enjoy so I decided to bake it myself instead.

I also baked cake for the adults who weren’t invited because we only invited their kids. I baked 10 cakes to be given to every family and let their kids put on the icing. They had fun designing their cake as much as we had fun watching them get creative!

Our hope is for our child to grow up valuing relationships and experiences more than the glamour of an overly decorated party. This isn’t to say that throwing a huge party is wrong. I mean, why not if you have that much money. What we hope for is to normalize simple celebrations in our family, whilst also hoping others would be inspired and get the pressure of throwing huge parties off of their shoulders. I know some people who feel sad thinking they failed as parents because they cannot give their kids fancy parties and that’s what we hope to change, to assure them that whether you can afford it or not, it’s okay to celebrate as family in the simplest way possible.

Someday, maybe next year even, our child will get to have a say or decide on how he will want to celebrate his birthday. Hey may opt for a huge party or just the three of us, we’ll see. For now, we designed his first birthday celebration in such a way that he can truly enjoy his day and not get stressed out by being carried and passed on by lots of guests which is usually the case with adult-led parties. I’ve attended huge toddler parties and I noticed that some kids were forced sit on the adult’s laps for photo ops even if they were already tired or sleepy. We didn’t want that for our child. It’s his birthday so we wanted it to be relaxing and fun for him. There was no long, tiresome photo shoots which is also why we didn’t have much photos taken on that day because we were busy having fun.

Lastly, the budget that we would have spent on a huge birthday party (or his monthsary celebration) was used to renovate a former storage space into a playhouse which was actually a better way to spend because our son, and our cousins, are able to benefit from the playhouse for several years to come.

Renovating an old storage space into a playhouse

We have this space at the ground floor of our ancestral home we call “pinsa”. It was used by our grandparents in the olden days as storage space for farm harvests and farm machinery. Then it became a storage space for anything broken or empty that we cannot throw thinking they might still be of any other use. It’s a typical Filipino trait, keeping even empty jam jars or empty cookies cans.

 

After I gave birth, we decided to live at our ancestral home so we can raise our child in a rural environment, away from the noise and pollution of the city. We had our pinsa cleaned, and used it as our hangout place. We would take naps there on a hammock, or work because it’s cooler than anywhere else in the house. 

 

Then our child began to watch TV. We gave him freedom of movement, allowed him to choose his own activities, and enabled him independent play. Sadly, whenever a certain sound from the TV would capture his interest, he would stop playing and start watching. We value and protect focus and concentration so much so that whenever he is focused on something, we would wait before we talk to him. We also kept him away from gadgets so we were concerned when he started to watch TV for a longer stretch of time. We knew we had to find him another space to play away from the TV as we cannot turn it off when others are watching.

 

At first, we were hesitant to spend on the renovation of our pinsa. But then I thought, I left law school to be a stay-at-home mom so I can personally look after our child and ensure he is given lots of opportunities to independently move and explore, and be raised in a loving, gentle, respectful way so why have second thoughts on spending money to keep our child off the screen? I mean, I can earn that money again but I cannot bring back our son’s childhood. So the renovation began...

 

After over a month of work, our 40 sqm pinsa which used to be a dusty, messy, old place transformed into a beautiful playhouse. I particularly loved the combination of the modern design, and the antique wooden beams. I only see this on Pinterest before but now we are actually spending most of our time in it. Join us over at Instagram – follow @momofeverychild – if you’re interested to be part of our journey of living at an ancestral home with a mini-forest, and surrounded by lots of birds and animals, together with our Siberian husky named Skye.

 

Right now the playhouse is "Christmassy" because Christmas if my favorite time of the year. I grew up enjoying the sight of Christmas lights and Christmas decors. Sometimes, whenever I'm sad, I would think of Christmas and I'd feel better. I'm hoping our child will grow up having the same feelings about Christmas.

 

We had child-sized furniture made to ensure our child and other children can easily access the sink or get their toys. In Montessori, it's essential that toys and other materials are made accessible for children so they can choose their toys and activities themselves. When our child is of the right age and shows interest, we will put our oven there too so we can bake together. Right now our sink is still a bit high for our son. We had it made that way so he won't keep playing with water. He'll be able to comfortably use this when he's a bit older and is already able to understand that we shouldn't waste water.

We also had his table and chairs made so he can sit their comfortably. The table is low enough so children can access food themselves. When we had a small family gathering last Christmas, I was so happy to see my 2-year old cousin serving herself with food for the first time. She looked at every food on the table and helped herself to some serving of those she liked. That is the kind of independence we want our son to enjoy.

We dedicated one corner as his reading and napping nook. This is my favorite part of his playhouse because it has an outdoor view and there's a mango tree across from it where the collared kingfishers frequently hop. It's so relaxing here that the adults decided to put up not one but two hammocks!  

The playhouse has a toilet with a child-sized furniture and tiny toilet bowl. We had the floor designed this way so it won’t be slippery for children. And it’s got a nice outdoor view for the adults to enjoy too. 

 

We also bought child-sized house stuff like this broom that only cost P25, garden tools and others. These are easy to use independently by our child without frustration because they're small. We are still on the lookout for other child-sized materials so will be happy to get any recommendations.

I bought most of the stuff in our playhouse from Shopee. Send me a message over at Instagram @momofeverychild if you want to know the seller of a particular item. We are also on Facebook at Mom of Every Child where I share parenting, family, relationships, mindfulness, healthy living and other interesting articles. And if you're interested to see how our pinsa looked before we renovated it, I'll be posting its gradual transformation at our Youtube Channel once I'm done editing because I'm only really able to work when my child is asleep, so please bear with this momma.

Our "playhouse veranda" is not yet done so it's not pictured. Also, my husband and siblings like to hangout and work here too so I dumped their stuff at one corner (not pictured). This playhouse has much more space once those are done and the stuff organized.